Don't watch this if you believe in the rapture.

Things I hate

I put so much negative energy into this post that my computer actually shut itself off.  See if you can guess when.

1. Napoleon Dynamite.  I refuse to ever see it under any circumstances.
2. That stupid meme involving horses and a mountain of some kind?  I don't know.  I hate that too.  It gets a "Napoleon Dynamite" ranking on my list.
3. Not having questions answered.
4. Being interrupted.
5. Realizing I'm interrupting someone.
6. The way my watch band smells like that suede jacket I bought from a consignment shop.
7. The fact that I lost the suede jacket I bought from a consignment shop.
8. Lies.
9. E-mail auto-responders. Maybe I don't care that you're out of the office.  Maybe I'm just required to include you on that list.  (I truly feel for people who have to e-mail *everyone*.)
10. My shitty laptop netbook.
11. That one guy.
12. Losing.
13. Winning.  It's awkward.
14. Passive aggressiveness (before I knew there was already a phrase for this I called it "sideways communication").
15. The fact that I will have to wait six months to finish watching HP7.
16. Verizon taunting me with its holiday ads when they know full well I can't upgrade until January 21.
17. Notre Dame football.
18. The Brew House.  Always and forever, The Brew House.
19. Changing seats.  They're assigned.
20. You'll never guess what used to occupy this spot.
21. RIAA.  Kickin' 'em while they're down, I guess.
22. MPAA?  Mostly I just hate that PSA.
23. Knowing how many more things there are that I hate that I just can't think of right now.

This might become more common

1. I'm starting to fall in love with the whole list-making thing.
2. This one is different because I have it making the numbers for me.
3. The neighbor I was talking about moved out.
4. Maybe she read my blog.
5. Or maybe her man-friend was maybe just a mover, which is lame unless they were having a covert affair which would be kinda cool.
6. I suppose it could also have been her ex-husband.
7. I hope they got back together because they had two dogs and they each got one in the divorce and that kind of makes me sad.
8. Especially because her dog is named Hermione and I imagine the other one might have been named Ron.
9. The above isn't a list, it's just a paragraph in numerical form.
10. If you want to get people to comment on your blog posts, accuse them of not reading your blog.
11. You don't read my blog.
12. If you like the video blog you need to comment on it so I have material to make another one.
13. Heartburn makes me sad.
14. I just lost a game of chess.
15. I really want to be in Mexico right now.
16. I also want to be able to read 20,000 words per minute instead of just 800.
17. It's theoretically possible.
18. This one doesn't feel as cool as the other ones. 

More like that one

1. I have been steadily moving money from my bank account into a safe.
2. This is not because I believe the apocalypse is nigh, but because I am obsessed with the idea of going on the run.
3. Why do people think having cash on hand will help them when the apocalypse comes?  You think that green paper is going to be worth something?  You'll be trading bullets for food.
4. Read that last sentence twice.  It works both ways.
5. The above actually represents how we have totally changed the meaning of the word "apocalypse."
6. It's really just Greek for "revelation."
7. I know that because I am a geek.
8. I also know that "e" is short for "euler's number" and how to find the derivative of a function.
9. I bet you can't pronounce "euler."
10. If you can pronounce it because of last night's episode of House, well, then I bet you couldn't spell it.  Before now.
11. There is a cute girl at Subway who always gives me a 20% discount on my sandwiches because I'm her favorite.  She said so.
12. I know her passion is for cosmetology and that she also wants to get into medical technology, but I don't know her name.
13. I unintentionally judge her because she works at Subway, even though my last job was at a liquor store.
14. I hope she doesn't read my blog either.
15. I pre-wrote this blog entry so when it gets published and I read it it will be like a four-day-old time capsule.
16. What if I'm dead four days from now?
17. What if you're dead four days from now?
18. Kind of a freaky thought, isn't it.
19. <-- that was a good age to be.  Remember it?  I do, with fondness.
20. Sometimes in my head I rhyme "Joel" with "Noel."  Too much Smallville?
21. If you got that you are a geek, too.

More video blogging!

Some things, but not somethings

Forget Twenty Questions, this is Twenty Answers.  To questions you didn't ask, but if you were given the chance, you probably still wouldn't.

1. I have begun using numbered lists in my e-mails in hopes that it will make it easier for my boss to address all my questions or concerns.
2. It doesn't work.
3. My neighbor has a guy friend over and I'm excited for her because this is the first evidence I've seen that she has friends.
4. Also I found her name out by surreptitiously checking her mail.
5. I sure hope she doesn't read my blog.
6. She doesn't because nobody does except Bekah and, according to Google Analytics, somebody in the St. Louis area.
7. Busted.
8. I'm sorry if you are someone else and you read my blog.  I appreciate you but you don't comment.
9. I got a Facebook message from a random person who paid $0.99 to download my ebook on Amazon.  She found it "obliquely interesting" and wanted to know if that was my intention.
10. What author does not intend his or her work to be interesting?
11. Also, is "obliquely interesting" a backhanded compliment?
12. I think "backhanded compliment" should actually be "backhanded insult."  Or maybe just "oblique insult" since we're using that word now.
13. My co-workers use the word "boff," which I suspect hasn't been common vernacular since 1992.
14. I made a list of things to do today and ignored it.
15. You should probably know your rights because nobody else is going to know them for you.
16. For example, I got underpaid several times because nobody told me Earlham has a two-hour minimum pay when you get called in.
17. I keep giving things away on Freecycle but I haven't actually taken anything yet.
18. I think that makes it OK that I never bring food to carry-ins.
19. They are called carry-ins, not potlucks, which should imply you can bring alcohol but it doesn't.
20. This space intentionally left blank.

The beauty of e-mail threads

As a student at Manchester, I often compared our school to Earlham.  Usually unfavorably.  As a member of the Earlham community, that has been reversed.  In sharing conversation with a fellow former-Manchesterian here at Earlham, we determined that in the peace-oriented liberal arts college family, Manchester is the hard-working blue collar guy who may not be the smartest person in the room, but he means well and can usually make you smile.  Earlham is the crazy alcoholic uncle who has genius-level IQ, was at Woodstock but doesn't remember it, and probably has several undiagnosed mental disorders.

You may be familiar with the universal phenomenon of unintentionally funny office e-mail threads.  Earlham definitely has its fair share--especially on the faculty list.  Many of them might land me in an uncomfortable meeting if I shared them.  But here are some moments from today:

From: Douglas C. Bennet [President]
To: Faculty, Staff, Students.
Subject: snow


Feel a chill in the air?  I did, and I'm sure a snowstorm is on its way that will will effectively close the college by early afternoon. 

With all the august powers invested in the Earlham Presidency, I'm declaring today a snow day effective at 2 p.m. 

Sometimes we see weather in these parts that gives us snow north of I-70, and no snow south of I-70.  My sophisticated forecasting apparatus tells me the snow line will be a little south of I-70, running just about at the latitude of Runyan Circle and U.  North of that line:  lots of snow -- lots and lots.  South of that, none at all, probably sunny and breezy, just the sort of day you'd like to play or watch a soccer game.  Go figure this goofy weather.  May as well enjoy it. 

Of course Earlham being Earlham, you'll want to check with your instructor.  S/he may insist on holding class or lab this afternoon, the heavy snow withstanding.  For the rest of you, dress warmly if you think you'll be outside.  I'm planning on establishing a temporary site for the President's Office right near Matlack Field, just to be sure I'm below the snow. 

--
Douglas C. Bennett
President, Earlham College

"Reputation is an idle and most false imposition; got without merit and lost without deserving." --John Wooden



From: Frank
To: Faculty, Staff, Students
Subject: A Note From EC Women's Soccer

I've been asked to forward this note from the Women's Soccer Team...particularly those of you who will "battle the elements" and be at Matlack Field at 2pm today!
---------------------

Earlham Fans,

First and foremost we all want to thank you for your undying support and endless enthusiasm.  It is incredible to know that every time we go out to play a game we have the most dedicated crowd.  It has been a tradition over the years that Quaker Army is composed of the best fans like you all, which stand by us and support us.  Thank you for being an energetic part of the Earlham Community.  “FIGHT FIGHT INNER LIGHT”

While your support is appreciated and advantageous it has come to our attention there are times that small pockets of our support turn from innocent cheering to badgering of opponents.  This type of support, while infrequent, is not something we want to be known for.  As a proud Quaker school, grounded in Quaker beliefs and practices we encourage our fans to be clever, witty, memorable and entertaining. Support us with your energy.

Please be mindful of your comments directed at our opponents.  Please don’t call out players by their name. Personal attacks commenting on race, ethnicity, physical attributes and family life are not appropriate.  We love to play this game because of fans like you and we want to continue having fans that encourage even more people to come out and watch the game.  In order to do that, everyone needs to feel comfortable on the bleachers and along the fence. 

We love each and every one of you and thanks for coming out to support Earlham Athletics. “KILL QUAKERS KILL”

Earlham Women’s Soccer Team 2010

From: Richard

To: Staff

Subject: Soccer game--NOT an official snow day

Friends, colleagues and soccer fans,

In talking to Doug, he has indicated that it was not his intention to have the College shut down at 2 p.m. under the inclement weather policy.  We would all like to encourage faculty, staff, students and friends feel free to attend the Women's Soccer Playoff Game that starts at 2 p.m. on Matlack Field.  Supervisors and conveners are encouraged to allow people to attend the game.  No one is released from their duties for the afternoon.

Thanks for your understanding and attendance at the game.  Go Quake!

Richard

Of course it's all irrelevant to me, since my department will operate even in the end of times!  Well, those of us who aren't worthy of rapture, anyway.